Silent Morning

I didn't sleep well last night. I lost my steam as my wife was working at the kitchen table on her resume updates. It was only 10:30, but the long, two day, workweek wad taken it's toll.

I awoke at about 1:30am the first time, to the sounds of discomfort coming from my daughters room. There is a certain cry that she makes when she cracks her eyes open in the middle of the night but does not come fully awake. Usually ten seconds of lightly tapping on her back with my palm, will lull her back to dreamland. As I am an old man, this session always ends with me taking a piss, and heading back to bed. I don't even mind these middle of the night moments with my daughter, as I would need to get up for the bathroom visit anyway. Though I will confess the most annoyed thoughts running through my head, when I first hear the cries coming from her room. (Oh, and damn my middle aged prostate and bladder, I used to be able to sleep 14 hours on the weekend, back when life was easier....)

The second incident occurred around 3:15 if my fuzzy head remembers correctly. Willa got up with a cry that indicated full wakefullness. This is usually accompanies by her standing at the side of her bed, and immediate recognition when her parents enter the room- "I'm up, do something with me!" I tried to pat her out again, but this only increased her cries to stress inducing level. I did all of my tricks, sometimes I can kill the cries by thumping her a little harder than the patting I am doing. My theory, is that thumping her quickly on the back interrupts her strong breath that she uses to cry, and makes her breath more carefully, distracting her from crying. This thumping is not strong enough to be painful, but does push some air out of her lungs. It actually sounds a little funny as her cries become a fun rrr,rrr,rrr,rrr,rrr sound that if she were in a good mood, would probably make her laugh.

I was not successful at getting my daughter to sleep, and eventually, when she wound up enough, I had to retreat back to the bedroom in defeat. I now know how discouraged my wife got when she found that Willa would not sleep for her, but wanted to stay awake, but when turned over to me, she would give up and sleep in a few moments. Amy had to get up and save the day. I'm guessing that she breastfed Willa until she fell asleep in the living room, as she did not come to bed for awhile. I feel bad making her get up, as she already handles the 6 am wakeup that Willa has been promoting lately. I try to take the night, and Amy takes the early mornings.

Even though I went back to bed, I could hear Willa's cries, and I did not sleep well. I dreamt a lot, dreams that remind me that I am once again coming to a change in my life. Usually theses somewhat familiar dreams keep to a few themes. Many times I am around a concert, but not working the concert, nor attending as a fan, but being backstage within the production, but not part of it. Also I am around a school or large hotel, wandering the halls, doing activities with a group that I will part from imminently. I also experience variations on jobs and or situations from my earlier life, that I have long moved on from. One of the popular situations is me being back at the Grand Rapids Press, working as I did in college, as a truck driver. Most of these dreams are not based on memory, but dream based on what I experienced before.
normally, I don't remember my dreams, I assume that I have them, but sleep is usually a refuge of darkness, and unless I am disturbed, I remember nothing of the night, waking rested and somewhat ready to take on the day. Last night, I was in a hotel and was attending a conference. I wound up near the end of the conference playing on a team with minor characters from my past, no true friends, but all people who I liked at some point in my life. We were playing floor hockey and the teamwork was fantastic. I was having a hero kind of day, where all of the things i decided to do, worked and scored points for the team. We even took a team picture to remember the great fun we had that afternoon. There is a bunch more that I can't relay here, as upon awakening I lost most of the fragments.

The other dream that I had involved Dave Pratt, my good friend that still owns a sound production company. I went from the hotel or school in my other dream, to a downtown that was not exactly downtown. I was with a group of people including Dave, that I led down hill to a rear door at something between the arena and the convention center. Dave was going to what I think was an Alice Cooper show, and I was trying to show them the backstage entrance. I realized that they were wanting to attend the show, and suddenly after trudging back up a long hill, it was an outdoor show, and the whole group sat on the hill, while I continued to wander through dreamland. I did a couple of more things, which are coming to me in pieces, but my ability to lucidly portray them is diminished from writing about all this.

I awoke at about 9:15 (thanks to the late night Willa issues she is sleeping in) this morning with the words "Safe Harbor" in my mind. I thought "what a strange phrase" yet it is both evocative and filled with meaning for me. I am not sure if this was one last salvo fired from the deep of my sub-conscious, but as I write this I feel like it may have been the deeper me reminding the workaday me to look to home for my comfort and strength. Amy and Willa, you are my safe harbor, the sun is rising, and it is time for the day to start.